Wanted: Experienced scalpers for Elton John purposes. Commission only. BYO bail money. @palaszczuk
Wanted: Experienced tattoo artist for single tit signature inking. Situation: JT signed both my girls on Saturday night but I forgot and washed righty. Need rush emboss job due not indelible. Would consider allowing personalised photos for a discount. Lexi @lexidd. No left-handers.
Wanted: Certified HipMoi PU specialist for mentoring to short, boring, semi-ugly guy with slightly small dick. Very low conversion despite peacocking, magic and Cert IV in hypnosis. @lilfellaJason
I need a stylist with expertise in curl wrangling and moustache emergencies. @jakegranville
From me to you
To the swarthy, tatted man calling himself Neville who borrowed my lawn mower on Saturday last from Strombus St Trinity Beach, could you please return it. Thanks Ken @kenstrombo
To the attractive blonde lady who last night shared and paid for a cheerless meal at Villa Romana with my cheap husband and then engaged in quiet unsatisfying sex in room 201 at Tropic Towers: No hard feelings. love to meet you to discuss possible scheduling, accessorising and/or conspiracy. Mindy 00458103
Shawnee, the music has stopped. Take the big bag, the little gun and all the pineapples and meet me at the agreed spot on Saturday at 10am. Leave Zeus behind, he's no good to us now.
To the aggressive, curly haired, bird-like woman driving a grey Amarok who cut me off on the Machan's beach roundabout at 10:14am last Wednesday. How about go-karts, followed by drinks and dancing at the pier, and maybe cosplay later. I have you on dashcam. Robbie 023223427.
Looking for Love
Hirsute Argentinian helicopter pilot in late 40s with drinking problem and misogyny issues seeks a Spanish-speaking supermodel with grassy patch (landing strip pref) and navigable overhanging obstacles. No Brazilians. @argie_chopper_juan
Freshwater Woman seeks Ryan Gosling lookalike with a sporting outlook to perform a range of personal duties. No tatts, no four-packs, no over-actors. Must be an uncomplaining growler. Shirley 0041546608.
Happy-go-lucky nudist woman, 65, seeks uncomplicated Mah Jong partner. Three concealed Kongs OK, No crazy monkeys. Amelia 006283810.
For sale: various sculptures of Adele (Adkins). Mostly crap. Would suit the massive undiscerning fan. Make me an offer. @HigginsCroft
For sale: Cassowary Costume, slightly soiled. Removable spur. $55 ono. Contact Benji @benjinotbenny
For sale: several books on learning Korean. Slightly water damaged. Will swap for battle-ropes. @sirskip_clean