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Karl describes Kochie as "a royal fuckwit"

Superstar polymath and breakfast TV presenter, Karl Stefanovic, has lashed out against persistent speculation aired by social media influencers about his personal life and career. In particular, Stefanovic has been stung by rumours that he was "shut down" mid-pickup by David Koch at an industry awards evening in Manoora last week.

Celebrity-whisperer, Kellee Foster-Jeliffe (below) put the situation into perspective: "Karl averages well above fifty with the ladies. He's clearly not in the same class as Dicky Wilkins, but he is a solid performer, especially on a bouncy track. He's not going to take kindly to a trundler like Kochie fouling the pitch mid-peacock. I don't know who the lass was, but she missed out on a great experience."

Pundits on social media have repeatedly linked Stefanovic as having assisted Sam Armytage, quickish-witted star of Seven's Sunrise, with some landscape gardening. When confronted with these allegations at packed news conference at the Reef Casino this morning, Mr Stefanovic was visibly appalled.

"We all know that Kochie is a royal fuckwit, that's a given," explained Stefanovic. "But I'm hardly going to cut his grass with Sam. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not going to deny that Mel and I had a little bit of the in-and-out for a while there. But that was when Kochie was on location in Port Adelaide and Mel had moved onto amateur news-reading. It's hardly grass-cutting if the other guy doesn't have a Victa in the swordfight."

Stefanovic went on to reminisce about his relationship with the cue-balled financial guru. "Koch-sucker and I go back a long way," related Stefanovic. "He helped me with my asset allocation, and we once spent an evening dancing with the Green Fairy in the City of Lights. It was after Bataclan; a really emotional time. Good old Kochie. He's a sanctimonious plonker and I love him for it. Great uke player."

The Plain Dealer approached Ms Armytage for comment, but she declined to return our tweets.

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