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April Classifieds


Redlynch entrepreneur looking for young supple women with venture-capital experience, preferably of Russian or Scandinavian extraction, to create working business model for pleasure doll start-up. Must be comfortable with MYOB and confining latex situation for non-trivial amount of hours. Equity positions available. @Tristan_makes_bucks

Wanted: People of faith and a background in apologetics to participate in a pitched debate with stupid atheists. Must be across the ontological, Kalam and special pleading. BYOB. No trolls. @faithwithoutfaithisnofaith, @ccc

Wanted: celebrity lookalikes for fake-news piss-taking youTube productions. Must be comfortable with uncomfortability. Prefer Delta, TayTay, Shannon, Wes, Ivanka, and ScarJo prototypes. Surgery sponsorship available for the right candidates. @pisstaker

Invitation: Come to the inaugural meeting of the Cairns Uber Drivers Association. Get active with the CUDA and make sure that the industry doesn't go to Punjab like the taxis did. No Prius wankers! TB Tavern Saturday 7pm. Ask for Harbarjan.

The Smithfield Sceptics (SASA) announces the upcoming lightning debate-fest with a bunch of stupid Christians. If you want to have some fun and are across the standard apologetic bullshit come along to our prep meeting and bring alcohol. Saturday 6th May 7pm at Mel's pizzeria, TB Road.

From me to you

To the middle-aged woman who, on 4th April, riding a bicycle with articulated doggie-trailer, crossed the Moore Street-Trinity Beach roundabout in the contra-traffic direction, you have been reported to the RSPCA. Start thinking about your dog's safety!

To old-mate on Strombus, it's Neville. Finished with your mower, but I've got some gout issues so can I borrow your car to deliver? See you Saturday? Pin a note onto the message board near Liquorland at Coastwatchers.

Looking for Love

Lonely Manunda millionaire artist seeks impressionable muse, preferably female, for live modelling work. BYO esky. @nolans_ingrate

Are you looking for love? Come along to the Freshwater Swingers open night at the Edge Hill Tavern . Wear a white daisy and BYO prophylactics. We are an equal-opportunity fuck-fest organisation. @fresh_swingers

For Sale

For sale: slightly vandalised papier-mâché model of Plymouth Harbour circa 1768. Used once. Will swap for Gilbert and Sullivan or ALW assets. $25 ono. @rondo


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