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Bunnings wins at the FWC, kranskis are 'just' the beginning

The North Queensland Fair Work Commission have handed down their decision on the matter of Bunnings Warehouse Pty Ltd vs Far North Queensland Hardware Workers Union.

The two parties had previously agreed on a 5% pay rise and limiting sausage sizzles to weekends and school holidays. This latest dispute has concerned the inclusion of the term "lowest prices are just the beginning" in clauses on employee performance, refund policy, and sausage sales.

Following an eighteen-hour deliberation, presiding Commissioner, Johan Gracey (above), announced that the contentious clause could be included provided the word 'just' was produced in an italic font and initialed by both parties in black ink.

In explaining his decision, Cr Gracey said that the use of italics "makes it perfectly clear, in the strictest legal sense, that this is a fun, japey kind of clause, and not one to be taken overly seriously."

Gracey cited rulings in Waugh vs Warne, Optus Australia vs Warne, Waleed Aly vs Warne, Sugden vs Warne, Hurley vs Warne and Warne vs Warne as providing ample precedent that "text formatting, font-selection and use of pornographic emojis was a perfectly acceptable means of communicating meta-meaning."

Spokesperson for the FNQHWU, Stan Briggs, was clearly disappointed with the decision. "The troops will not be happy," he said. "This is an employment clause that is impossible to comply with. We won't be a part of any wildcat action but we'll be taking a very generous view of the 'beat it by 10% policy'."

The Commission also approved the sale at Bunnings stores of "kranskis, chorizos and other exotic sausages." When asked to comment, Mr Briggs was to the point: "Fucking madness," he said. "No one knows where these meats are coming from, what their halal status is, where they are on the Scoville scale. A burning ring of fire will be just the beginning."

Assistant General Manager of Bunnings Smithfield, Pat Doomadgee, was delighted with the decision of the commission. "I think it's a fair outcome," she told the Plain Dealer outside the commission offices in Portsmith. "I'm pretty good with the old keyboard shortcuts so it won't take me long to change the literature and marketing collateral. I might even do a global search and replace or even write a macro. Worst case is that I have to do a bit of Control-Effing. and manual insertions. No biggie."

CORRECTION: A previous version of this story incorrectly parsed the phrase "Control-Effing" as "Control-Fucking." The Plain Dealer unreservedly apologises to Mrs Doomadgee and never intended to suggest that she was participating in femdom style management practices.

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