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Dog chaos at Kewarra



Information is starting to emerge about the furore that seems to have erupted between opposing sides of the ongoing dog-debate during last Sunday's community walk at Kewarra beach.

It has been reported that dog advocate and CEO of Cairns Pets, Kristen Fitzpatrick, was hospitalised during the event, after she became entangled and ensnared by the leashes of "several" dogs she had been walking. This cascaded into a full-scale puppy-riot involving more than one thousand animals.

Onlookers have reported that dogs were becoming "barky and disorganised" as they crossed Brolga Park. Surrounded by a mass of seething dogflesh, Ms Fitzpatrick was lifted into the air, and allegedly flung headlong into the asphalt on Garnet Street. "It all happened in slow motion," recalled eye-witness Macarthur Job of Aeroglen. "Poor angle of attack, not enough air over the wings, and she just lost control. Simple human error. Tragic."

Ms Fitzpatrick was airlifted to Cairns Base Hospital where she is a stable condition. Spokesperson for the CBH, Dr Nupur Lala, has reported that "the incident caused a compound fracture of the patient's right fibula and the rupture of several poop bags that had been strung about her person." Dr Lala added that the unique features of the incident have made infection case-management "interesting."

Departmental Commissioner for Dog-Catching and Cat-Herding, Desmond Bowe, had earlier praised northern beach dog-owners for their responsible management of the walk. The DDCCH had worked with Cairns Pets to hand out several hundred dog-condoms, flea spray delivery systems and pooper-scoopers. He has refused to comment on the alleged catastrophic loss of control suffered by Ms Fitzpatrick.

Unsatisfied with the explanation of mere poor pet-management, members of Cairns Pets were quick to offer a more insidious theory . One member, who did not want to be named, claimed that there was a cabal of "dog-haters" in Cairns who prowled the darkweb with an aim to "maim the interests of dogs and dog-lovers everywhere."

"The bastards have obviously mounted a couple of Bark-Buster-2000 units in the trees, triggered them with their iPhones, filmed the chaos and then disappeared into the night," claimed the man. "There'll be a puppyporn stream up on 4Chan tonight and before you know it another young dog-lover will be targeted and groomed with their sick perverted world view."

Cairns police refused to comment on this seemingly wild theory but several officers were observed trying to climb palm trees along the Poolwood Road area with varying levels of success.

After four days of searching the surrounding beaches and bushland, several escaped pooches are still missing. Should anyone come across a stray dog in the Northern Beaches area, please contact the DDCCH.

Sadly, a further thirteen dogs had to be put-down after the incident. A fully leashed memorial service will be held at YAPS Smithfield Conference Centre on Saturday 13th May at 5pm.

#Crime #News

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