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Ransomware attack to affect rambutan availability

It has emerged that last week's global ransomware attack has affected vital North Queensland infrastructure and institutions, including the Cairns Christian Coalition and Rusty's Market.

In addition, it is believed that the payroll database at Cairns Base Hospital may have been compromised, with medical services likely to improve as a result. There are further unconfirmed reports that the controversial Crocogynous Automaton project at William Bligh University may have been hacked.

In a press conference this afternoon, mayor Bob Manning called for calm, and explained that the council had brought in industry experts to ensure the situation was put under control. "We've called in Steve from Steve's computers on Sheridan Street to check all the bandwidth and megabits are still intact," Manning said. "And the Officeworks guys are on standby if we need any more technical firmware verification. It's all good."

When questioned on the effect that the attack might have on the local economy, Manning was quick to provide reassurance. "Clearly the bars and clubs are going to suffer with all the medicos not getting paid," he said. "And there's a critical rambutan shortage at the markets due to infection. We've got a plan to subsidise the RamBanana Federation, and to extend happy hour by a factor of thirty. All council employees will be on a compulsory liquid lunch until the end of the fiscal year. And, for the moment, the god-botherers will just have to revert to stone-age connectivity with the almighty."

The Plain Dealer attempted to contact Professor Roger Mainstone of the Computer Science Department at WBU regarding the alleged hacking of Christopher, their prototype artificial crocodilian. Prof Mainstone did not answer the retweets of our tweets, but he has made a recent status update to 'looking'.

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