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A conversation with Dame Lisbeth Trickett



PERSONALITIES: conversations with Shirley-Higgins Croft

Dame Lisbeth Trickett is the popular Minister for Defence and Animal Affairs. She was kind enough to spend an afternoon with me at Lunico's Restaurant at Trinity Beach.

SHC: Dame Trickett, thanks for agreeing to talk. Let's start with the hot-button issue. Where do you stand on the Mexico issue. Is our freedom at stake?

DLT: Hello Shirley. It's such a beautiful day here, drinking mocktails and looking at the pristine Coral Sea. The last thing I'm thinking about is Mexico. I simply don't buy into all this Mexicophobia. Sure, most of us in Cabinet enjoy a chimichanga on occasion, and there has been the odd case of minor bugging and extortion. But, let's face it, your average lubricano is basically harmless. Let me be crystal clear, our number one enemy is Australia and then, probably, Yemen. If they're on the podium at all, Mexico is a distant bronze.

SHC: I'm glad you mentioned Australia. We rely on them for our energy, food, sport, water, health services, wool, beachwear and internet. How do we reconcile this with the fact that they don't seem to understand us and our priorities? How do we co-exist with them?

DLT: We share so much history and so much cultural baggage. But the Aussies have gone down a technocratic and xenophobic path and to combat that, we North Queenslanders have to adopt a position of strength. That is why I, with many of my cabinet colleagues, am in favour of advancing our nuclear objective. We're working on the capability of being able to put a Fat Man on Point Piper. This is no way a tool of aggression but more a means of lighting a pathway to peace in this wide brown land.

SHC: OK, but if we go nuclear, could that affect the Cowboys' premiership hopes?

DLT: That's a hard one. It's a massive risk. But, I'm a hard De-Laverer. I believe we need to unwind the Laver Accord so that talent like JT, Billy Slater and Julian Assange aren't benefitting Australian interests. I'm not knocking those guys, I'm just saying we need to be smart and recognise our assets.

SHC: Where do you stand on Australian television?

DLT: Oh my god. It has got to the stage were I can't even let my kids watch Home And Away. When I was an ordinary champion swimmer I used to tune in every night. I remember when the original Pippa kindly guided us all through the moral dilemmas we must all face as Austro-Queensland human beings. But now, new Pippas have come and gone and the cultural imperialism that is embedded in that show is simply sickening. And don't get me started on Masterchef. George Colambaris is such a fuckwit and Matt Preston is simply weird.

SHC: Mmmm, well said. Have you any news on Ringo?

DLT: The last I saw of the little chap was when he sat in on a meeting pertaining to dog contraception policy. That was last week. He seemed mangey and nervy and slightly mauled, but otherwise OK. Unfortunately I don't know any more about his current health status. Hoping for the best.

SHC: Yes, we're worried about him. Speaking of cute dogs, when are you expecting Prudenciana to be back? I'm joking of course.

DLT: (laughing) I believe Val resumes her duties as PM next week. We're all looking forward to it. Mr Beattie has done a fine job but he really needs to have a wash.

SHC: (laughing). Well, I know your time is short so I'll let you go. It's been a great pleasure talking with you.

DLT: The pleasure is mine. I'm a big fan of your work. Hope we can chat again.

SHC: It's a date.

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