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New measures for dogshit control

Chief of the DDCCH, Desmond Bowe, has announced sweeping changes to dog licencing regulations in the far north. In the future, all dogs in the region shall be required to be implanted with GPS tracking technology and to submit a stool sample so that a DNA database of all animals can be created.

"Existing strategies to control the burgeoning puppy crisis and the andoggymous shitting epidemic have proven ineffective," explained Commissioner Bowe today. "So we have no alternative than to introduce some stricter measures."

In a press conference held at DDCCH headquarters on Spence St today, Commissioner Bowe outlined the advantages of the new technology.

"The DNA database will prevent owners from taking the Christopher Pyne option", explained Bowe. "And our tracking software will be able to detect off-leash activity outside designated areas. We'll be also be able to target runways with our drones, making for a pretty surgical cleanup of the streets. We plan to go kinetic in the next week and expect to see results immediately."

For existing owners, the price of a GPS implant will be around $465 per animal, and $1625 for chihuahuas. "Fitting the little fuckers can be a but fiddly," explained Commissioner Bowe. DNA collection will be a flat $750 per dog. A 10% discount will be offered for dry dog-food eaters due to "operational advantages" in sample collection.

CEO of Cairns Pets, Kristen Fitzpatrick, was contacted by the Plain Dealer for comment but did not return our calls.


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